Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, How Does Your Love Language influence you?

Marshall Rathmell |
Categories
Author - Kim McGuire

If you’ve been in a committed long-term relationship at any time in the last 30 years, it’s likely you’ve heard of Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” The book has since transcended into the cultural zeitgeist and has become a guide of sorts for young adults just entering the dating scene all the way to those celebrating 40 and 50 years of marriage. You may have even heard your Gen Z niece declare that “pizza” is their love language or your favorite millennial mom share that her love language is “Target runs and Starbucks.” Chapman’s work with couples has opened a whole new level of awareness of how we can love each other better. If you don’t know your love language, this is my favorite free quiz (straight from Chapman’s website), https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language . I highly recommend taking 5 minutes to complete the quiz!

So, what do the 5 Love Languages have to do with personal finance? Well, anyone that has been married for any length of time understands that marriage can’t last on those butterflies of love alone, and it’s well-known that finances are up there at the top of the list of reasons why relationships do not work out. In this post, I researched love languages a little bit more and how they might influence our perception of personal finances! But before we get to that, let me introduce myself…

Hi! My name is Kim McGuire, and I’m new to the BCR blog. I joined the team in July 2022 and should disclose that I am not a certified financial planner or financial analyst. My role at BCR consists of HR/ marketing and administration. You’ll see me pop up in the blog periodically for the all too necessary “fluff” or “cultural” piece. My goal is to share interesting topics that examine how our personalities, phases of life, and even our upbringing can shape our relationship with personal finance.

Now that you know a little bit about me, let’s get back to our topic!

Chapman’s five love languages are as follows: (the descriptions of each below are my own take. You can find Chapman’s official descriptions here, https://5lovelanguages.com/learn )

  • Words of Affirmation: you feel most loved when your partner gives you detailed compliments and thrive on verbal or written words of love. Example: your partner sends you a text in the morning that goes on and on about how thankful they are for you and how you cooked the best-scrambled eggs ever that morning.  (Side note: this is mine in case anyone wants to drop a note in the comments about how wonderful my blog post is 😊)

 

  • Physical Touch: Okay, Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not really “that.” It’s holding hands, hugging your partner longer than 5 seconds, or it’s a literal pat on the back in a room full of crowded people. I could go on, but you get it.

 

  • Quality Time: you feel most loved when your partner prioritizes time with you over something else that you know is important to them. Example: Instead of scrolling your phone at night or bringing work home, you choose to take your love on a date once a week.

 

  • Acts of Service: you feel most loved when your partner does random acts of kindness to let you know they were thinking of you. Example: you notice that it’s a stressful week at work for your partner with this love language, so you intentionally do all your normal household chores and theirs during the week, without being asked.  (Strong emphasis on the “without being asked” portion)

 

  • Gift-giving: you feel the most loved when your partner gives you a gift no matter how small, or for what reason. Example: you pick up your partner’s favorite bottle of wine, or flowers before getting home on a random Tuesday.

So, now that we’ve covered the five love languages, below is my take on how each love language influences our activities and perspective surrounding personal finances.

Love Language

Possible Influence on Personal Finances

Words of Affirmation

You likely do not like having tough conversations regarding your personal finances with your partner (or yourself in some cases). You thrive off positive words, and anytime you feel negativity in the air about your finances, you may tend to avoid it like the plague. If your partner falls into this category, try the “pro, con, pro” approach to the conversation. (I practice this with many areas of life) Start with a positive affirmation, then the tough items, then close with the positive. (Did you know that world-renowned psychologist John Gottman found that the relationships that last follow the “magic ratio,” of 5 to 1? Meaning that for every 1 negative interaction, there must be 5 positive ones and that he can predict divorce with up to 90% accuracy on this one statistic. Read more on the “Magic Ratio” here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)

Physical Touch

If your love language is physical touch, you may prefer to touch and feel your money in the form of cash, and likely have created some sort of system for always keeping some on hand. Doing so has helped you at times not to overspend. So, how does that translate to your views on investing/ financial planning for the “non-physical” future? You like to see tangible, physical evidence of your finances in the present time. Consider this, try to shift your mindset a bit to think of financial planning and retirement savings as tangible, physical elements that are living and breathing in the present. If shifting your mindset is easier said than done, you can always count on in-person handshakes and a welcoming atmosphere for meetings with your financial advisor at BCR! See our team’s warm smiles on our Facebook page here: 😊 https://www.facebook.com/BCRWealth/

Quality Time

Spending quality time with your partner doesn’t always come cheap! You likely spare no expense on experiences like concerts, dinners, and traveling with your partner. While these are awesome ways to express this love language, keep in mind the old saying “all things in moderation.” There are plenty of ways to protect your personal financial health while still spending lots of quality time with your partner. Here are some great FREE date night ideas that could be just as fun without busting your budget: https://www.countryliving.com/life/g5137/free-date-ideas/

Acts of Service

If this is your love language, you probably already are the “financial planner” of the relationship, and you enjoy helping your partner with making financial decisions. Remember that finances can be a touchy subject for those of us with “words of affirmation” or “physical touch” love language. So, if your act of service is to make a financial decision for your partner, make sure you include them in open and honest conversation.  Your show of love is a great contribution and act of service to the relationship, and you don’t want it to either be taken for granted or face negativity. If this is your partner’s love language, don’t forget to be engaged in the process and share your appreciation. Also, be sure to consult with your advisor at BCR before making big decisions! At the end of the day, getting advice is also an act of service.

Gift-giving

Like with “Quality Time” above, you likely spare no expense in finding the perfect gift for your partner! Sometimes, when the occasion calls for it, this is a great way to express love! (We all know engagement rings and luxury items can be big expenses when showing how much you love your partner) Remember that the “gift-giving” love language doesn’t have to be about large expensive gifts! It’s the little things given randomly that remind your partner they are important to you. My husband and I set a budget for holidays and birthdays/ anniversaries. For other random gifts (even the small ones), we both make sure that what we are spending falls within the monthly budget that we’ve set together. While that doesn’t sound near as romantic or spontaneous as it should, it helps keep us both on track and lessens stress around finances! If you and your partner want to learn more about how to set up your bank accounts and budgeting, I highly recommend, Marshall’s recent blog post here: https://www.bcrwealth.com/blog-01/how-should-married-couples-manage-their-bank-accounts-0?fbclid=IwAR3CT0eLX_dG7hcXMa68Hyb0yyDW7fArbq4DZTa0wvhr_KnnPZ9fIc7_fbA

 

One of the major themes I found as I researched this post was the importance of communication and being open with your partner about how you feel the most loved. It doesn’t make you selfish or difficult to express your love language. Matter of fact, Gary Chapman, the author of “The Five Love Languages” says it best, “Verbal communication is essential in order to understand what is going on inside other people.”

I hope you enjoyed taking a deeper look at the five love languages and how they may influence our perspective on personal finances and I wish you all a happy Valentine’s day full of love (expressed in your love language of course 😊).